Leaves Me Alone

Many years before that great chronicler of our times, Alanis Morissette sang her saturating observational ode, Ironic, my soulmate and I had a little running joke that she didn't know when something was ironic. It wasn't so much she didn't understand the meaning of the word (I'm quite sure she knew how to use a dictionary), she just didn't understand the concept. Thus my assignment was to point out whenever I saw or heard something that I considered ironic.

Of course as was often the case when it came to affairs with my soulmate it turned out in the end I knew much less than she did. And if it all just didn't elude me I 'd figure out how that in itself was ironic. Last week after I put the finishing touches on yet another solid issue of the newsletter I came home, looked at my front lawn and decided some work was necessary. Now I'm not the type of guy who fits into most situations nor is it usually that important to me that I do. Growing up in Minnesota suburbia, just my mere ethnicity immediately separated me from my peers. As regular readers of this publication can testify (and someday may be called upon to do) I'm not exactly like most people. Still when it comes to home care I want to fade into the background not especially wanting my house to stick out. So when I looked at my front lawn and saw I had more leaves lying around than everyone else combined, I figured much as I loathe the chore it was time to do some raking. This despite looking up and seeing my own tree had yet to lose any of its leaves. (or is that leave any of its losses?) Was this some form of symbolic irony? Why did mine hang on too long and how did mine become the burial ground for everyone's excess baggage?

After an unusually rough and tumble softball season, and a lot of difficult shots to the gut, I have felt more than a little beat up recently. Sometimes it's more a matter of self preservation rather than self defense learning to accept the unacceptable. But nothing prepared me for the grueling task of raking leaves. I tried to take it easy, but I was quite winded by the time half my yard looked respectable. Thirteen sack full of leaves later, I scampered back inside feeling sore in places I didn't know existed anymore.

Yet when I looked out my window and saw how neat my yard looked, there was a real sense of accomplishment. The next morning I awoke equal parts stiff and proud. I had a meeting down in Mankato, and I quite looked forward to seeing the many autumn colors on my trip down, now feeling a bit secure in my battle against the fallen leaves. The drive down was disappointing- not much color other than a rather drab greenish yellow. The shades in my mind were left shadows of hues unfulfilled. I was only a bit distracted thinking about my last trip to that city which was about a year ago and seems like forever and so close at the same time. So much has gone down since yet the memories remain within as clear as breathing in the crisp fall air. I learned many things on that trip not the least being just when two people needed a roast beef sandwich, there was no Arby's in sight. We got so lost coming back that night that it became a bonding adventure. Just when you've think you've seen every color before, one comes along to haunt like never before.

This time around the return home was damn near ironic, I think. I felt lost but in an entirely different way. I drove back to my house and I noticed my tree had decided it was indeed autumn. It cut it all loose immediately rather than gradually as all the leaves fell in just one day. My once cleaned yard had many more leaves than before I raked. The barren branches were like words without sounds; any sense of grace was blown away leaving me feel adrift like a tumbling leaf. Sometimes if a fellow takes too much for granted thinking he is actually taking a step forward, nature is very good at reminding permanence is as fleeting as any longing for continuity. I guess I learned it is not the work or the leaves I'm allergic to it's the process of leaving and how little and how much is always ultimately left behind.