Talk is Cheap

If you’re anything like me, a young, amiable, male (YAM), you probably are eating up this late night talk show fest. But there are only so many late hours in a day, and only so many of us insufferable insomniacs to enjoy them. So here for your convenience, is a guide to what you should watch and what you can let pass:

The Arsenio Hall Show: The best thing that can be said about this man is that he is a black Merv Griffith. The worst thing that can be said about him is that he is a black Merv Griffith. It’s as if he didn’t experience the 80’s and the breaking away from conventional talk show structures. He schmoozes with his guests and if you happen to be an attractive young starlet, or a heroic young athlete, watch out because the sugar level will kill a diabetic. On one appendage, the show is rooted in self-promotion and self-indulgence. Does Arsenio realize his guests have absolutely no importance, and thus neither does he? That it’s only show biz? On the other appendage, being so steeped in the culture of Southern California gives the show its appeal; it’s the show to watch if you want to keep up with the kids. Hip, trendy and fashionable.

Late Night with Conan O’Brien: He is trying so hard to be funny that at times it is painful to watch. He needs to lose the gum and the giggle (a young Rupert Pupkin?) Like Letterman, his references are steeped in recent pop culture; both mocking it and giving worship to it. Already we’ve heard jokes about the Flintstones, Gilligan, the Partridge Family and Hogan’s Heroes. Many of the bits from the first week were simply not funny. He opened with "Small Town News" an old Letterman bit, the twist being the stories were made up. But it wasn’t absurd, unrealistic or silly so it was just plain dumb. The same problem exists with the sidekick, Andy. He seems to be there to mock the role Ed McMahon played, yet he only makes one appreciate the durability of Johnny’s partnership and how watchable those two men were together. What’s needed is a caricature like John Candy’s Edward B. on SCTV’s "Sammy Maudlin" show. Conan did come up with the funniest moment last week: his duet with Tony Randall on "Edelweiss".

The Chevy Chase Show: One either likes Chase’s smugness or can’t stand it. I happen to like Chevy’s "Saturday Night" personae, the clumsy self-depreciating everyman. But he lacks Letterman’s wit, Len’s observational humor, and Arsenio’s ability to establish a dialogue with his guests. What does Chase add to this genre? Slapstick? Chaplinesque comic ability? This show can’t seem to make up its mind whether it wants to be the "Tonight Show" or "Saturday Night Live". Dennis Miller did it better.

Tonight Show with Jay Leno: He is a great stand up comedian, yet his nightly monologue has taken the edge off his comic focus. Still Letterman’s decision to lengthen his monologue plays to Len’s strength. Jay is better at that part of the show. At the same time, Dave has always gone for the one liner, the joke even if it’s at the expense of his guest; Jay’s approach is much more sheepish and thus he is not as entertaining an interviewer. Leno has gotten better, more relaxed, more "himself" since becoming the permanent host, but Johnny’s shadow still lingers and Len’s decision to be a "kindler and gentler" host has been detrimental to the show.

Late Show with David Letterman: When he started off eleven years ago, his show was an anti-talk show, a mockery by example. The sarcasm, the not knowing if he was putting us on, whether we should take him seriously, what was real and what wasn’t – gave the show its innovation. Over the year’s Dave’s personality has become more of the focus and thus the show has become the talk show it strived not to be. Yet Dave has developed as a performer, mixing his dumb hut style effectively with a biting skepticism and he is the most skillful host among the lot. So far the "Late Night", doing far less prepared material. Instead they have relied on taking the camera outside and seeing what Dave can make fun of – and thus the show seems more and more glitzy and conventional. Still, Paul is my favorite late night bandleader and having been at it the longest, Dave seems to know what he wants to accomplish.

It’s nice to find out I wasn’t the only kid in America tuning in every night to Johnny, thinking to myself, that’s what I want to do. So what if all those others have their own shows and I do not. As Conan O’Brien said, "My friends told me, Conan, the day you get your own talk show is the day there will be peace in the Middle East." Anything is possible.

NEXT WEEK: Phil and Oprah, Geraldo, Sally Jessie, Maury, Faith, Jenny Jones, John and Leeza, Regis and Kathie Lee, Montel and much much more!

Results of last week’s football picks: Jason S. went 5-9 to make his season total 14-14. David went 7-7 to make his season total 17-11. A three game lead! Can the youngster catch up? Or is the wily, grizzled prognosticator too much to handle? We welcome Jason Mock to the club. Stay tuned…

BOB’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Music can save people, but it can’t in the commercial way it’s being used. It’s just too much pollution… My feeling is that the guy who’s taken up modern music is what you hear in Wagner. Wagner, to me is like one of the archcriminals of all time. Like Beethoven would be the antithesis of Wagner, and Beethoven you didn’t hear very much. Wagner makes you feel gloomy and depressed, but he’s popular too and he dictates the music of the day whether you like it or not?