New and Improved Newsletter

Yes I realize that one of the most depressing things about one of the most depressing holidays of the year is people's need to make promises to somehow improve, writing down resolutions instead of seeking real solutions. But if you can't lick 'em you gotta join them and we now pledge that in 1995, the newsletter will be bigger and better than ever. Before we unveil our promises to you, we would like to apologize for any typos that appeared in any of last year's issues. Must be that 586 Intel chip.


RESOLUTION #1: The newsletter will now be chewier than ever and with NEW IMPROVED TASTE!!!


RESOLUTION #2: The newsletter will join one of the latest fads in the world of technology and virtual reality: In 1995, we will become INTERACTIVE. Every week you can tear off the last page, crumple it into a little ball and toss it around the room. It's great fun, and most importantly, it's good for YOU!!!


RESOLUTION #3: This is the year that we also hope to become more user friendly, especially for our sight impaired readers as well as those environmentalists of you out there who want to save on paper costs and save the lives of trees. Later in the year we will offer a new service where you can phone in, and I will personally read the newsletter to you doing my best to recreate and use the many voices I hear inside my head!!! All to entertain and educate YOU!!!


RESOLUTION #4: We will cut production costs by cutting down on our consumption of breakfast burritos. And of course, we pass the savings on to YOU!!!


RESOLUTION #5: As always, we pledge to make you laugh, make you cry, but most importantly, make you think. HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!!!


The 1994 Newsletter WOMAN OF THE YEAR


Recently, it was announced the newsletter was beginning to put together the information needed to decide, announce and salute our third annual Woman of the Year. Like any good bureaucracy, the proper people were notified, the most diverse committee was formed, and serious discussions began behind closed doors.


So, as we now step forward to honor the 1994 Woman of the Year, we'd like to thank all who had input in the output. The committee would like everyone to know there were several qualified candidates, and it is a shame that not everyone can win. Join us now, if you will, as the committee in its best pressed dress shirts, in its fanciest ties and dresses, and with its finely combed and quickly graying hair, does its best to brush out the cat hair from our clothes and recall all that were considered.


1994 was the year of the couple. You weren't no one this past year if you weren't no couple. Think about it: Loreena and John, Erik and Lyle, Tonya and Nancy, Kathie Lee and Regis, Bill and Hillary, OJ and Robert, Kurt and Courtney, ER and Chicago Hope, Heidi and her friends, Michael and Lisa Marie, Woody and Soon Yi, Conan and Andy, Jeb and George Jr., and last but not least, Rush. Man if further proof is needed about the value of bulk and teamwork, we'd like to know why.


Thus, it is with some irony that the winner can't really be considered a part of a couple. We've all heard about this person's failed marriage. And this person can hardly be linked to his counterpart in the Senate. Still, the choice for the Newsletter's third annual Woman of the Year was unanimous. This single person encapsulated the ugly tone of the year and the very idea behind the award itself: to identify the person who had the biggest impact on all of us.


During an election year of political unrest and ultimately an uplifting upheaval, one person tapped into the nasty pulse of the nation. Voters were angry and one person used this anger to fuel his so called, "Contract with America." Now disputably the most powerful member of the most powerful body in the world, NEWT GINGRICH's name no doubt will continue to haunt us all over the next few years. Perhaps now that Newt has the liberal loving, free ride pushing, drug takin', hippie sniffing, mutants from the counter culture that occupy the bunker like White House, on the run, politics of change will unfurl like nothing we've seen since the glory days of Reaganism. Yes indeed, it is with great pride and DIGNITY that the newsletter's 1994 Woman of the Year is so appropriately named. Our deepest and most sincere congratulations go out to you, Newt.


PREVIOUS WINNERS:
1992- H. Ross Perot
1993- St. Francis of Assisi