Groveling Gruesome Guru

It took me thirty one and a half years but I finally have all the answers. It's one of those realizations you can only make in the wee small hours of the morning, during Mother's Day weekend, the same weekend a colleague is earning her Masters Degree in Urban Planning from the University of North Carolina, while you sit sipping on a beer listening to the band, '73 Men, make their public debut at Sweeneys, as you try to sort out and work your way through another week of confusing events.

The secret to hitting a softball well? MAKE THEM PITCH YOU LOW. Unless you have a physique enhanced by steroids, low pitches are easier to drive than high pitches. You are able to use your legs and pivot your hips better. It's too easy to get under a high pitch and pop her up.

What about the second shooter in the grassy knoll? What came first the chicken or the egg? What is the sound of one hand clapping? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it make a sound? WORDS CAN'T EXPRESS. The newsletter's version of its own V-chip kicks in with all these age old questions. We do know where to look though. All these are answered in OJ's video. Just $24.95.

What is the deal with this weather? GRAY CLOUDY LIES. OR SOME OF THE BEST MOVES ARE THE ONES YOU NEVER MAKE A few years back as I was contemplating a move, I was considering a life in the great Northwest, Seattle (my father's hometown) in particular. I asked Al his opinion seeing he has connections to the area. He mentioned it might be perfect for my personality what with all the rain and all. This spring I've been given the chance first hand to see what it would have been like. I think I may have made the right decision to stay put here in the Twin Cities. There are already enough things in this society to sullen one's mood.

How do I get better water pressure? FIND THE REAL CULPRIT. Sometimes the pressure is just fine, there's just something blocking it.

If you could only own oneCD, which one would it be? YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU CHOOSE PAUL MCCARTNEY'S RED ROSE SPEEDWAY.Three of his greatest tunes, Big Barn Bed, Little Lamb Dragonfly (the greatest song ever penned), and Only One More Kiss. And as a bonus? The extra track, Country Dreamer. Sigh.

The key to succeeding whether in business, fun, or personal relationships (which are an awkward alliance between the first two)? AS STATED ELSEWHERE IN THIS WEEK'S NEWSLETTER, EFFECTIVE, OPEN COMMUNICATION IS THE CLINCHER HERE. Forget for the moment the importance of verbal cues and body language, if you ain't speaking to each other, if the words that are spoken aren't the right ones, it doesn't really matter what else is going on.

Just why does kitty sit staring out the window for five minutes and suddenly decide he has to come sit on your lap for a minute and then dart off to another corner of the room to clean himself? THERE IS A WHOLE OTHER LIFE GOING ON OUTSIDE THAT GLASS BARRIER. A whole other life that can't be reached or touched no matter how strong the desire. So kitty watches and dreams of what might have been or what might be, gets a little frustrated as he realizes where he actually is so he needs the next best thing: a warm spot to rest his weary little head. After a little comforting it is time however to clean his little arse.

What is the meaning of life? SORRY WE'RE ALL OUT OF ROOM. We'll have to cover that some other time.