Figure of Eight

"You've got me running in a figure of eight, don't know if I'm coming or going, I'm early or late. Round and round that ring I go, I want to know, I want to know."

Disbelief, for some is an all too familiar state of affairs. One of the best quotes I've heard over the past few years came from George Harrison who was asked if he would consider participating in a "Beatles' reunion." "I will if John will," George said. So news this week of the three surviving fab four getting back together was a bit of a shocker.

But not the big one. What a wacky week of news! What a series of events! The end result? I've given my heart away to that very special lil' figure skatin' lady. I've dispatched our correspondent to Portland to relay the message: "Get rid of that goofy Gilhooey and together we'll form the next Tai and Randy, or at the very least Whitney and Kevin. Marry me Tonya; dorky as I may be, I'm not as daffy as what you now face. This is too damn peculiar. I don't care what others say about you. I only care about us." What a pleasure to lift my own personal burden! To open up, to come forward with my feelings allows me to feel them.

Where did it begin? When did my feelings take root? It's hard to say, difficult to pinpoint. Shirley I was influenced by the low cut little homemade outfits. Misfits. Maybe it was the triple axle (write word wrong combination). The cigarettes? The all too familiar label of "rough around the edges"?

What was the clincher? The timing was right, call it fate. Seeing my wife to be, kneeling on an engine, diagnosing a mechanical problem in her car just as I was having troubles with my own clutch. This woman has it all and is too good to believe. When she calls out for the cliché, "light at the end of this tunnel" I can forgive her and be there for her. At the very best she is guilty of hanging around the wrong crowd, and at the very worst I'll be there when she gets out of jail.

Cynics would say I'm only after the money of this woman with a now even more tainted reputation. But I would reply that besides the "Club" what other endorsements are in Tonya's future? No it's more than that. A gold medal is only worth so much, but true love overcomes all obstacles and dilemmas.

True, I have always had a thing for figure skaters. Don't get me started about Katrina Witt (I swear it wasn't me on the tapes). But I would be the first to say Nancy Kerrigan is a ditz and that she benefits from this (OK she endured a horrible experience and a wounded knee) doesn't seem right. Grow up in the wrong part of the wrong town and you're labeled for life. Tonya will have to come to that realization sooner or later.

Sports scandals have been around longer than socks (not the kitty). Back in 1919 Joe Jackson and other members of the Chicago White Sox allegedly threw away the World Series. This led to the famous scene where a youngster approached "Shoeless Joe" in stunned disbelief and cried, "Say it ain't so Joe, say it ain't so." Now little girls with figure of eights in their eyes, and cranky, old state employees, might echo the phrase or maybe amend it to something like: "How's about a sauna Tonya?"