(Cue music, audience applause) "We're back here on the Shellie Bogg show and our topic today is people who have the self discipline to overcome an obsession all by their own will power. Joining us in the studio is 'D. Ma' who has an interesting story to tell about his rather unique obsession. Tell us your story d."
D. Ma: "Well Shell, it started about a year and a half ago when I heard that my one true, and I emphasize true, love, the Minnesota Twins were going to give out four bobblehead dolls."
Bogg: "Bobblehead, what is a bobblehead?"
D.Ma: "Well they're handmade ceramic dolls with loose noggins, that can do some serious noddin.'"
Bogg: "And aren't the Minnesota Twins perpetual losers? Don't they break your heart year after year like America's sweethearts, the Chicago Cubs?"
D. Ma: "Well not exactly. As long as they ain't slinging out the Rich Robertsons and Scott Aldreds of the world out there I've been pretty tolerant about being able to appreciate having a major league team to root for, to live and die with."
Bogg: "So tell us more about these bobbleheads and your obsession."
D. Ma: "Well, when I first learned about them I thought it would be rather my style to collect all four. They were giving them out to the first 5,000 fans at certain games. And with the then popularity of the Twins at the time I figured I could easily get two or three of each doll... Anyhoo I thought it be cool to place each of the four dolls on marble pedestals in the four corners of my living room. What a conversation piece!"
Bogg: "Uh huh. I see." (Audience chortles.)
D. Ma: "What I didn't count on was the overwhelming popularity of the dolls. I was lucky to get my Harmon Killebrew because there was a large gathering outside the dome, the size of which I hadn't seen since Shane Mack roamed right field and we all thought David McCarty would be a superstar."
Bogg: "So you got all the dolls?"
D. Ma: "Yup. Had to show up earlier and earlier for each one. It wasn't easy waiting for hours sitting on your arse on the hot concrete not knowing if you were close enough to the gates to get one. But I did it. And if I hadn't I don't know what I would have done..."
Bogg: "I see they're going up on Ebay for hundreds. Did the money play a part?"
D. Ma: "Not really. That was actually kind of discouraging because I was no longer so sure I should put them on such prominent display less someone get the notion of swiping my prized possessions. So I just left them on my desk where I could keep an eye on them."
Bogg: "So when the Twins announced four more giveaways this year were you psyched?"
D. Ma: "Yes and no. There weren't enough corners in my living room anymore and the thought of having to wait amongst all those people again just kind of creeped me out. But I got the first one, no problem. I had become a veteran. I knew to buy my ticket in advance and knew how early I had to take off work and be at the dome. Yup I saw them rookies stroll up a mere few hours before the game and scoffed at them."
Bogg: "This was becoming an obsession wasn't it? You couldn't tolerate not getting the next bobblehead doll, right?"
D. Ma: (Sniffling) "You're so right Shellie. I had to have all the dolls. But it was when I realized how much it meant to me to have them that I decided to give them up. I'd achieved my original goal, it was time to step aside and let someone else have a go at it." (The audience applauds.)
Bogg: "So you're ready to get on with your life?"
D. Ma: "Ready and steady Shell." (More applause)
Bogg: "How do you explain this recent TV footage?"
QVC Announcer: "We go to St. Paul, MN and our caller is a Mister D. Ma. How many of our all star bobbleheads would you like tonight d?
D. Ma: "I'll take two of them for now. Maybe more later. I'll take the Sasaki and the Sosa."
QVC Announcer: "Aren't these dolls just great? What collectors items they are..."
D. Ma: "They speak to me. And I listen." (End of tape)
(Audience gasps) Bogg: "You're not quite cured yet are you D. Ma? Despite your claims in yet another of your insipid public essays isn't it true you are soon going in to have an EMG done to zap electricity through your nerves?" (Audience hisses)
D. Ma (Tears a flowing) "OK I'll admit whenever I go out and I see a line of people I wonder what bobblehead they're waiting for and how I missed the announcement. But that doesn't mean I have a prroblem I, uh..."
Bogg: "That's all the time we have. Join us tomorrow when we have people who have been rejected by the goat community. And on Friday a secret society of people who hate Meryl Streep. Until then, don't do anything I wouldn't do. And if you do, tape it."