Monday, September 11, 2000

Why Too Kay?

My friend Alexandra taught me a valuable lesson many moons a yonder. Alex emphasized to me the values of self reliance and self responsibility. My learning process was a bit stressful for both of us but I have remained grateful to her for her patience and honesty. Mercy buckets A. Unfortunately this year the proximity of the lesson's validity has lessened. I suppose that's the convenience of crossing the bridge into a new century. There now is a plausible excuse for all of life's difficulties.

For example I've discovered this year through unexpected but reoccurring health problems that my body is not Y2K compliant. Call it more of a meltdown than a breakdown. I only hope I don't have to call in the geek squad to figure things out for me. I also found out that my garage door wasn't Y2K compliant when it came out of its track and one of the rollers broke off. Thankfully my brother-in-law Dan and my father and I were able to rig it back into place. We'll see if it remains winter compliant.

The new millennium also took its toll on my lawn mower recently when a pin behind the wheel broke thus rendering the propulsion system inoperable. Trying to push the mower through my shin high grass almost gave me a massive coronary (I hope that particular organ unlike my brain, though substantially drained from the recent pouring out and ensuing falling out, remains bug free).

The rabbits in my yard were far from Y2K compliant as they ate their way through my crop of bean plants. (Parenthetically speakin' I hope you enjoyed them you boys and girls.) Mr. Max then followed suit with a lack of compliance as he nearly died from ingesting an Azalea plant. The ensuing vet bills demonstrated that somebody's system (billing) was working just fine and dandy.

My kind elderly next door neighbor also has had some problems in the year 2000 having been diagnosed with cancer. We've said more than a few prayers over in this humble abode over the summer. She's out of chemo and appears on the way to recovery.

Our favorite local lads, the mighty Twins also have had some Y2K issues. It's been a woebegone season for the woeful team with little sign that things might turn around in the near future. Meanwhile the bitter manager remains about the only cynically entertaining part of the team with his ever amusing and increasing caustic comments.

My sentimental coffee machine given to me after the Great Depression by my idol the optimistic capitalist Eric Patterson also has proven non-compliant. While washing out the antique looking pot it cracked thus forcing me to use the cute backup picked up years ago for free but what has ended up costing me substantially over the years as I now have a broom closet full of coffee sent to me by the club who gave me the maker for subscribing.

Even my favorite prize from the summer, my Kent Hrbek bobblehead doll is a bit Y2K stilted. A bobblehead that doesn't bobble isn't much fun. Trust me, I know.

My self invented Y2K invisible man diet has also run into a few snags. Said diet of course consisted of losing all my mass so I could slowly and thoroughly disappear. After weeks of dropping some tonnage I seem to have reached a leveling off point. Guess I can go back to snacking on those sticks of butter.

Perhaps the truest casualty of the Y2K bug was my hall light. For years I left Mr. Max in a dark empty house. This year I decided (more for security purposes than anything else) to leave the hall light on. Soon after biting the bullet and acquiescing to the increased energy bills the light bulb burned out. This happened last winter. I have yet gotten around to replacing it. It would after all entail getting up on a chair to make the change. I figure it's better to continue to live in the dark because you never quite know what you'll see in the light. Enlightened people are bound to give up on all the excuses sooner than later.

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