Monday, August 31, 1998

Restless Soul

There once was a mole named Peeper
Who kept digging his hole deeper and deeper
'Til he just wanted to let out a howl
But all he knew how to do was crawl
And the path he faced grew steeper and steeper

There were a couple lessons learned the past few weeks. It's much more difficult to move forward when you are not sure what is around the corner. You may be in a rut, a routine that isn't all that enjoyable but sometimes that is much more easy to deal with than not knowing what comes next. As I was saying my mandatory good-byes to people I've gotten to know the past two years it kind of meant a lot to me how many people said they appreciated the work I did and agreed upon what my next line of work should be. I didn't have the heart to tell them that the day I jump off the bridge it won't exactly be a coincidence that my trustworthy pen will be behind my ear.

A voice from out east called me and told me she has confidence that all the answers I am looking for are inside. I think I actually agree although it occurs to me that I'm not exactly sure where the world starts and where my writing stops and where memory ends and feeling begins. She said looking within I'll be able to see who I truly am, and that person probably isn't the bureaucrat I've somehow gotten comfortable being.

Now our good friend ole' Peep
After several nights of restless sleep
Decided he no longer wanted to be a mole
And he wanted to climb out of his hole
But his identity was the only thing he could keep

I always thought I was the type who didn't wrap his self esteem around his job. I don't think what ultimately defines me is my job title, how much I'm making or where I am working. I always tried to separate who I think I am from the job I chose to do. At the same time personal values such as loyalty, dependability and doing the best job I could did define who I thought I was. It surprises me how hard not having a full time job has hit me. What I was doing did help me see who I am. It's hard to prove you are dependable without some work tasks in front of you. This year has been quite the unpredictable year- from Frank to a kitty too far gone to save, from a change in occupations to an unfinished attic. I feel as if I just walked around in a big circle and either have to start all over again or preferably, somewhere else.

And that's just it. Although life is about dealing with loss it's also about learning from the losses and knowing how to look at the opportunities and possibilities that exist. Though it is a bit frightening quitting one job without another lined up, it is also a bit liberating to think I can look at other opportunities now, that I can end up doing something I enjoy doing.

Maku wa itsu aki-masu ka? Wanna know the absolute best part about my self imposed time off and exile so far? It's given me a chance to listen to some CDs that I've been meaning to listen to but haven't had the chance. Both those I haven't paid enough attention to and those that have been my favorites but I haven't played recently in order to catch up with some of the newer additions to my collection. "Oh where did I go wrong my love? What petty crime was I found guilty of? What better time to find a brand new day?" It's when you begin to realize that while it's nice to have time for self contemplation and naval observation, there is something greater out there. Inspiration.

Though it is a rather discomforting to do it probably is a good thing to force yourself to occasionally break the mirror and look at things in a different light. Although the place and the state of mind is all too familiar (like a raw nerve, painful to the touch, has been exposed) the difference this time is I don't know if I ever could say this truthfully before or not: I wouldn't trade the people in my life for those in the past. I had dinner with my best friend and her family on Monday. My newest best friend made an unexpected stop at my work on my last day making it wistfully special. I had my usual dinner with Mom and Dad on Tuesday. Two of my sisters called to see how I was doing. This is the way part of me wants it to be. Honesty is next to the thigh bone.

Still I wonder why I recently have thought so much about Mother's Day day one year ago when I went to the Woodbury Target shopping with my long lost friend just to buy things we put off buying. She drove and I had a department store hot dog for lunch. I felt so comfortable, one of the rare times when you know you are where you are supposed to be but you know the feeling won't last. Those moments always seem just out of reach.

Was it too late for Peeper to change?
To pick up his things and rearrange?
He looked deep within himself as a mole
Tried to reconnect to what had once been his soul
Only to find feelings both familiar and strange

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