867-5309

The telephone has been a "situation" in my house ever since I moved in about three years ago. Last spring and into summer the noise on the line made conversations difficult- even more difficult than they often can be for me. The line cackled and buzzed until the words were indecipherable. I was told by my perspective roommate not to do anything because they would bring with them a phone we could use. That never happened and I continued to live with the noise and the noise alone. It took me awhile but it reached a point where I finally had enough. I called the phone company.

Meanwhile I did some extensive testing of my inside lines. I tested two different phones on the different phone jacks. I even went out and purchased another phone, albeit the cheapest one I could find. I actually thought I had purchased a very cheap cordless phone but later discovered the way the store displayed their phones was to take the cords off all the receivers for display purposes. The combination of testing different phones on different lines made me, even with my limited knowledge of the communication industry, think with some amount of confidence that my phone problem didn't lie with my own equipment.

But it took multiple visits for the phone company to acknowledge the problem and after each visit I resigned myself to the notion a noisy phone was the way it was supposed to be. I would call in the problem, they would send out a serviceperson to test the outside line and I would come home to a phone sounding just like I'd left it in the morning. Finally I called up and asked if it would help for me to be home when the serviceperson was there. "Sure," the phone representative said with a note of skepticism in their voice. So we scheduled a time for me to take off from work and meet the serviceperson at my house.

That afternoon I sped home from work, got home and picked up my phone just out of habit. The sound was crystal clear. I called up the phone company and asked if the person had already been at my house. "Nope we're scheduled to meet you in a half hour," I was told. I told the representative that my phone was now clearer than it ever was. "Well it won't help much for us to come out because our serviceperson has to hear the noise to be able to fix it." So I canceled the service call figuring as soon as I did the crackle would return.

About a hour later I got a call from a serviceman who told me he had been out that morning and had found the problem. I asked him what he found. "A bad MG cuff link (or perhaps he said coupling)," he reported. "Yes, that's what I thought it might have been," I said assuredly. Whatever he did, my phone never sounded better. It had the crystal clear sound of my best CDs.

But my phone woes were far from over. One of the things I lost when I moved from my apartment into my house was the ability to watch TV and talk on the phone at the same time. My house phone lines are in the kitchen and in my office and that all important 28" Mitsubishi set is in my living room. In a way this is good since I think it rather rude to talk to someone and be watching TV at the same time. However it must be said that often when I'm talking to someone they are watching TV at the same time. I've missed many a People Choice Award moment or sporting event because I've been on the phone. And I've had just as many described to me over the phone while I hear the excitement in the background. The thought of a cordless phone occasionally danced in my head but with the other problems I figured it was a luxury I didn't really need and I should just count my blessings and be grateful that I had a phone that was static free.

Last Sunday I went to the Cheapo Holiday/Anniversary Party hoping to win one of LeAnn's smart looking T-shirts. My wardrobe basically consists of free clothes, stuff others have given to me or that I have won. I thought the new T-shirt would be a nice addition to my collection. But I was pleasantly surprised when my name was picked as a winner of a cordless phone. Consider it destiny. To me it was perhaps a signal I've turned a corner and another of my communication issues is now behind me. A cordless phone after all is such a wonderful device. It's like riding a bicycle without any hands; or like a tasty sucker without any stem. It reminds me of when I was a kid and I used to love my walkie talkie- being able to talk to my brother a whole room away. And damn with that extended antenna I looked like I was up to something mighty important.

Now only one identifiable problem remains: A certain individual who used to call me on a regular basis hasn't called in quite a while. I'm beginning to wonder whether this is a phone problem or whether it is a communication issue of another nature. When I call this person's number I get one of those "We're sorry, the number you have reached has been disconnected. No further information is available" messages. Since the phone company was able to fix my other problem I wonder is this something else they can repair?