1995 Woman of the Year

Some of the authors of the Contract with America would have you believe that our country's slide in "family values" began when women began entering the work force in large numbers. The theory of these people suggests that without the woman's presence in the household, values crumbled and families fractured. Flawed logic? The weight of history of the oppressed a bit overwhelming?

The oldest cliché on the books used both for and against the battle cry that a woman's place is in the home, (and one not easily put out aside especially in the mind of a future homeowner) is that house work and raising a family are among two of the most difficult jobs ever invented by upright walking descendants of Neanderthals. If you want a real job, get out of the office and try staying at home and raising the kids. There aren't many awards for housewives, and to put the blame of a crumbling society on their backs seems more than a bit harsh and cynical. But as is so often the case, doing the ordinary extraordinary is seldom appreciated. Gender Equity? It's all a matter of degree and perception. One woman's ceiling is another woman's floor.

Thus with all this as background, it should come as no surprise that for the first time in its history, the committee that chooses the Newsletter's Annual Woman of the Year award had a clear cut unanimous choice. Like previous years, there were plenty of qualified candidates. But in 1995, the award simply had one person's name written all over it. For the past thirteen years, this person has quietly gone about the difficult task of doing his job without once calling in sick. Amongst the tedium of consistently scooping up grounders like a vacuum cleaner, and dusting the pitcher's best offerings off the distant outfield walls, Cal Ripken Jr. has above all else been a solid individual demonstrating the best qualities that lead to effective teamwork. His team knows that every day Cal will be there, that Cal will do his job, and that when the pressure builds, Cal's consistency means that more often than not, he will rise to the occasion. His team can always count on Cal and what more can you ask?

There are flashier celebrities, celebrities that get more time in the spotlight that are emulated and admired more by the masses, but few in any walk of life can boast of achieving the remarkable feat that Cal Ripken Jr. accomplished these past thirteen years: 2131 consecutive days at work! Day after day, night after night, day after night, and night after day, year after year, not coming out of the lineup for nagging injuries, sickness, mood swings, lame or legitimate excuses, he's been there every single moment. Congratulations Mr. Ripken, your accomplishment is truly worthy of our prestigious Woman of the Year honor.

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Previous Winners
1992- H. Ross Perot
1993- St. Francis of Assisi
1994- Newt Gingrich

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Now is the time of the year for reflection and resolution for the upcoming new year. What better time is there to wipe the slate clean and strike another match to start anew? Here are some of the newsletter's resolutions to you, our dear readers:

1) The newsletter will continue to be 100% recyclable.
2) We will never stoop to making up stuff about former President Nixon.
3) We might fictionalize some stuff about former President Taft.
4) Wacky facial hair + phony French accents = zany issue after zany issue!
5) Having found that our most successful efforts have been written in the key of B flat, we will now add an occasional A flat to the mix to be flatter than ever!
6) That annoying scratch and sniff cigar smell? Now gone.
7) Spel chec? Never in our liftime.
8) We pledge to use more exclamation points in 1996!!!!!
9) No more top ten lists....