One Last Goodbye

"A little bitty tear let me down. Spoiled my act as a clown. I had my mind up not to make a frown, but a little bitty tear let me down."

It was either Plato, Aristotle, Shakespeare, or Paul Simon that said there are many different ways to say good-bye. Recently once again I got to test that axiom out, but I can't say I'm getting any better at it. It wasn't even supposed to happen because at the time it began I wasn't into looking for friendships. Over the last few years she has been someone who listened, shared and who I looked forward to seeing. Still, I was a bit surprised at how hard it hit me when she said she was going away. She was my friend and in these more than confusing times amongst the rapid flux of fluid changes, that isn't something to take too lightly. Careers go out the window, dreams are tossed aside, opportunities lost, and the echo of a long forgotten conversation sometimes is all that lingers. The only lesson to be learned is the importance of always knowing what you want.

We talked nearly daily on the phone for business purposes, before we ever met. It's kind of the nineties thing to do in this age of conference calls, fax machines, and Internet e-mail. "Brand spankin' new," she would say as I would relay yet another date of incorporation to her. The phrase annoyed me nearly as much as it amused. me. Her always cheerful, smile in the face of it, voice was a welcome change from the rest of the stress. Driving out to see her for the first time I couldn't picture what she might look like, but somehow she was exactly what I expected. Her sense of humor mixed with her ability to converse, to care, impressed me constantly.

One of our first experiences together was a business excursion as I began my search for a different professional direction. We went to see the CEO of her company, Pete Dawkins, Heisman Trophy Brigadier General Time Magazine cover boy, at a fancy Bloomington hotel luncheon. The enthusiasm of her colleagues (they kept saying they were "pumped') was scary, with their near cult like devotion. Yet the way she tried to make me feel comfortable was appreciated, and to see her in her element was fun.

There is that wonderful moment in the greatest film of our generation, Pulp Fiction when Uma and John are on their "date" and Uma makes the observation that you know you have really found someone when you can enjoy a moment of silence together. Well, that's what we had. She could be goofy, I could be moody yet there was always a great pleasure in her company.

She told me she wasn't good at good-byes so she was going to make it short and sweet. But it was a fond farewell as she told me what I meant to her, "one of her closest friends" and as she shared her dream of organizing a foundation, in memory of her mother, to help out families enduring the pain of the illness and loss of a parent. In this world of corruption and cynicism, her sweetness never wavers. There was so much more to share, so many times we never had, that it hopefully will continue somewhere on down the line.

We can't all be as cool as Bogie, kissing off Ingrid Bergman because life ain't exactly like a movie. There are those of us constantly looking for a well defined beginning, middle and end, and when that doesn't happen, walk around confused within our own time frames. She wasn't really a part of my every day, run of the mill events that make up my regular routine. When exactly will it be that I realize she is gone, and I will miss her? Probably when a day isn't going well, when things are piling up, when the steam is accumulating, and I need that phone call to get my mind off of things and remind me that maybe I'm not the worst human being on the face of the planet.

There has been a feeling for several years that this has been a period of transition. Well that period has been long drawn out, and things that were temporary have become fixtures, and things that I hoped would be permanent have gone off to bigger and better things. She appeared from out of the blue, when another's voice disappeared, and her sensibility made some of that hurt not seem so bad. The time has flown by much too fast. Over the past few years she has played a role in the production and inspiration of these pages. She was the one that contributed our articles by Og Mandino. Our business dealings constantly showed me the importance of planning for the future. She has been one of the strongest supporters of my writing, always believing in what I could do. I wish her all the best, thank her for all the kind words, the encouragement, and the shared moments.

So with much sadness I say so long to my friend- adios amigo, ciao, au revoir, and sayonara...