Early Mournings

Well I got another rejection notice on my latest book of poems. This one, like all the other notices, had a specific reason for the rejection: excessive use of the word "throb."

One of the favorite parts of my week these days is Saturday mornings when, finally having a day off after working seven days a week for a couple of years, I have a day I can sleep in, brew a pot of coffee, sit back, relax and read the morning's newspaper.

This is a break in routine that still has Max the cat a little more confused than usual. Not used to having me around in the morning, he looks up at me perplexed. The purpose of my Saturday morning relaxation activities are to Max, a mystery. Thus, I took it upon myself a couple of weeks ago to explain to him what a newspaper was all about. I patiently explained that what I was reading was a grammatical account of the stuff going on outside that window he loves to gaze out of. Max listened curiously, then looked at me as if to suggest he didn't really care, all he wanted to do was sit on what I was reading.

I don't know if it's just me, or if others have noticed but does it seem like the world is a little off kilter, tilted a little bit off its axis recently? What with the recent events in Oklahoma, the resulting attention all the growing militias in the country have gotten, the anger, the violence, the shooting right across the street from your friendly neighborhood Landfill, what the hell is going on? Doesn't seem to me like life has to be this hard. You do things you enjoy, you work, you sleep, you try not to hurt others and then Saturday mornings you try to explain life's little pleasures to your cat. That's all.

A high ranking government official recently revealed to me that she had come upon the meaning of life. She said the meaning of life had to do with being curious and always keeping an open mind. There have been times I have not agreed with this official in her actions or her words, but her insight in this instance was truly appreciated. The timing of the conversation couldn't have been any better. While I may not agree that THE meaning is about being curious (the times in my life where I pursued my own curiosity to its fullest, have been the times that nearly finished me off), keeping an open mind is certainly part of the equation.

Life is like clicking around on the old cable box; the possibilities are endless. Those embittered among us who feel the answer is blowing something up, or running around the woods with firearms playing soldier and fearing the end of our civilization as we know it, are as lost as those out there who settle for less without pursuing their potential and then still have the nerve to whine about how bad life is.

An influential person in my life taught me that the meaning of her life was finding a way home, to find a way to come to a draw with one's own demons. Last Saturday night I had one of my roller coaster allergic reactions following a wonderful concert (see review, last week's newsletter). The euphoria of the creative performance, the artistry, the beauty gave way to questions trying to reconcile the difference between where I am and where I hope to be; the gap between all I have and all that is gone or now out of my grasp. The spirit of the evening moved me, but the aftermath was a hangover, a barometer of where I'm at these days. Am I really doing what I want to be doing?

Yet, those type of questions are the very essence of what allows inner growth. Yes indeed, one could close the need to know, the wonderment that comes from keeping an open mind, and still get through the routine of day to day life. One can even make money and succeed in relationships and careers with such an approach. But what is the point? What do you eventually end up with? I may not know much (as proven every week in these pages), but I do know enough to realize often times the question is much more valuable than the answer.

Sometimes I'm not sure whether I've compromised my principles or whether I've learned from experience that adapting to challenges is a valuable skill. Often, I look at Max the cat with a great deal of envy. His life means getting through the day from meal to meal, by napping, by looking out the window, by pouncing around the apartment in unexplained frenzy. My life means working hard and sometimes sharing in a meaningful experience with someone that understands, who is operating on the same frequency. The money runs out, the disappointments continue and grow, yet there is always something just around the corner. Should we pity those that have lost sight of that? No, it's better just to appreciate all you are lucky enough to come across. Dull as it all might seem, something has been gained. All this and baseball is back too!