Sucking Big

We all know the most difficult decision to make in life is trying to choose a video taped movie to watch with another person. It begins with agreeing on the category: comedy, drama, musical, documentary, foreign, new releases, so many to choose from. Once the genre is decided, there has to be a choice made on whether you want a movie a) neither one has seen b) one has seen but the other hasn't c) the other has seen but the other hasn't d) both have seen and liked e) a movie both have seen and one liked etc. . .

There are several big name, big budget movies due out soon. Among these is the top grossing picture of all time, Steven Spielberg's Jurassic Park. A two word review of the movie would read, "It bites."

Spielberg's best movies are filled with wonder, made from the hand of an expert filmmaker, one who loves the magic of the medium itself. All Jurassic Park lacks is not only that sense of wonder, but a sense of drama, of humor, of fun, and of any entertaining qualities whatsoever.

The problems begin with the premise that humans would bring back dinosaurs solely for commercial purposes. In real life this may very well be true but one of this movie's objectives is to suspend reality. To give in to the cynicism, the heavy handed message (humans playing God: "God made dinosaurs, God killed dinosaurs, God made man, Man killed God, Man made Dinosaurs)-ruins and robs us of any reason to watch Jurassic Park.

The one thg that could have saved the movie, its special effects, fail to excite. There is nothing particularly spectacular about the dinosaurs. We're expecting to be awed but we're not. These days we can see just about anything in the movies, so a re-creation of something that we bring in pre-conceived notions, has much to live up to. David Letterman called them "mechanical lizards" but they're more like big elephants. Save your money- go see a hippo at your local zoo.

Compared to the humans in the movie however, the dinosaurs at least have a little personality, looks and beauty. With the exception of the Jeff Goldblum character, everyone else is a twit. Whenever there is a bad move to make, a stupid decision to arrive at, the humans undoubtedly move quickly. These characters make their counterparts in the old Godzilla movies look llke tactical geniuses.

And that is the underlying problem with the movie. Spielberg never decides whether he wants to make another wondrous science fiction "amazing" story or whether he wants to make a horror picture. We are told the dinosaurs are not monsters, they're just doing what they do. Yet the last third of the movie is standard stuff old monster movies of yesteryear were filled with. Add to that a pseudo political, psychological message (what would motivate someone to steal a dinosaur embryo?) and the whole experience is a wretched exercise. I guess if you make things big enough, it doesn't matter how much they suck. Proves what hype and marketing can accomplish. This movie is a monstrosity, or should we say, a dinostrocity.