I'm a cork on the ocean
Floating over the raging sea
How deep is the ocean?
How deep is the ocean?
I lost my way
Hey, hey, hey
I'm a rock in a landslide
Rolling over the mountainside
How deep is the valley?
How deep is the valley?
It kills my soul
Hey, hey, hey
I'm a leaf on a windy day
Pretty soon I'll be blown away
How long will the wind blow?
How long will the wind blow?
(Until I die)
Until I die
-Brian Wilson ‘’Til I Die”
There is a place I’ve been to before and want to get back to, but I’m not sure it’s there anymore. Maybe it’s less a place than a time, a feeling, a state of mind.
I put one foot in front of the other. It was a step forward. I don’t know how I reached a point in life where getting out of bed is a win. Several, including my acupuncturist, my first muse, my support group and my therapist have suggested taking walks as a way to feel better by getting some exercise, getting out of my house, and enjoying the fresh air. I used to love taking walks. One of my favorite things to do was visiting a city I was unfamiliar with and walking around with no particular destination in mind. If there was a used record store in town or a used book store, I’d figure out how to visit them but usually it was just mindless wandering. I must walk with confidence because often someone would stop me and ask me directions to some unknown place.
I didn’t walk very far, just a few blocks around my neighborhood, less than half a mile in total. But it was a major effort to convince myself it was necessary to make an effort to change the seemingly inevitable trajectory I’ve been on. One step forward and then another. It was a cool sunny morning. I didn’t know where I was going I just needed my legs to keep moving. I breathed in the fresh air. There’s not a lot to see in my neighborhood, just a lot of single family homes with varying degrees of intentional and unintentional landscaping, kids toys strewn across the lawn, some fencing, some tree stubs (the Emerald Ash Borer destroyed a lot of large trees including two in my yard) and just the vibe you see in most neighborhoods in St. Paul.
I passed various people walking their dogs or just out and about. I smiled at the dogs and avoided eye contact with the humans walking them.
When I got back home I was slightly sweaty having overdressed for the lukewarm morning. I felt good for having made the effort, for having to try something new/old again.
During my partial hospitalization we learned the concepts of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. One of the key ideas is two differing things can be true at the same time. You can feel depressed and be grateful, two diverse feelings, together. Your world can be coming apart at the seams at the same time the universe is looking after you by providing moments of hope and wonder.
During 2020, the therapist I was working with kept asking me to not think about how I was getting my job done, but why. The how part to me was where I was laser focused on. I was working mornings and nights. For relief I would open our public email box and answer emails because it was a stress reliever to answer questions with actual statutory answers rather how to administer an election in a pandemic, a hyper-charged political environment. The why part seemed obvious. I was saving our democracy, and what I was doing didn’t seem out of line to what we were all doing. Trying to figure out how to get through this apocalyptic new normal. Isolated and working in a challenging world.
That’s why during my orientation at my new job I was inspired that the message was to focus on the why of what we are doing in life. If something is causing us to be unhappy or is unhealthy or isn’t driving us with purpose and meaningfulness, why continue? Life is truly too short.
Yet despite all the darkness there have been meaningful moments of kindness and wonder. There was the time at the Ketamine clinic when I suffered a massive panic attack. A nurse’s assistant sat with me for a long time mostly in silence. She said when she has panic attacks, sugar sometimes helps and then she asked if I wanted a Life Saver. So she gave me one. Not just the candy either. There was the time I was practicing online with another person trying to sell life insurance. She had a big cat in her lap. She noticed the rack of guitars behind me. I said I didn’t play anymore and told her how Diego-san would sit next to me on my bed as I played my guitar. It just feels empty now without him by my side. I also told her my current cats are not fond of my guitar playing. She said maybe they know that Diego-san is next to me so they leave me alone to respect his time with me. It was a lovely thought. There was time one of my high school friends arranged for other friends and family to send me birthday cards on my 60th birthday. I even heard from my two college advisors. There was the night my niece Brynna and her teenager, Marz, brought me some groceries that I badly needed. I was truly touched by the kindness.
In all these examples, the universe was looking out for me. When one opportunity goes away, another appears. I miss Theo still, I think about him every day. Yet after he died I found Kenta who has melted my heart with his love of life.
I’m doing my best. I constantly remind myself of that at the same time, I know that bar is at an all time low. Finally understanding two different thoughts/feelings can exist at the same time. Finally understanding a path forward. Finally getting back to the place I want to be acknowledging it’s a changed place, and that’s not a discouraging thing.
